Children are not Smart

Have you ever wondered what a piece of furniture was thinking about? Maybe your favorite sofa’s position on the state of the economy? No? Well, chances are, that piece of furniture knows more than your average child. While I have known this for a long time, it just slapped me in the face today.

A few friends and I went to see the new Batman movie in theaters. I’m not a huge superhero guy, and I had already seen it once on a date, but I figured it would be a good excuse to relax with some old buddies. Of course, two minutes after we sit down, Godzilla and her two broodlings decide to sit behind us.

Now, I have no issues with kids that actually want to sit still and enjoy a movie, but this wasn’t the case. Both kids, one boy and one girl, were probably about four years old, and the moment the movie started, they fired up like fireworks in a desert. For the whole movie, I dealt with the two little brats literally jumping over chairs, and screaming “BLAH BLAH BLAH” every time a character started to talk for more than three seconds. Of course the kids couldn’t understand the subtext behind the movie, or 99% of the dialogue. They just wanted to see Batman hit somebody.

I asked their behemoth of a mother to shut them up, but she just stared at me like a popcorn-eating hippo in front of an oncoming train. Clearly, the poopzombies had already eaten her brain.

Now, some people would call “childish antics” like this “innocent.” I think the proper term is “stupid.” Just consider the other children I saw today as drove away from the theater: three eight year olds having a good, old-fashioned weed-whacker fight in their front yard. Innocent, no. Stupid, yes.

This long and semi-pointless story brings me to my point. Children are not intelligent.

How do I know this? I used to be one. I still fondly remember the day where, as a thirsty young lad, I decided to help myself to a bottle of drain cleaner, completely knowing how dangerous it was. Why? Because I was a stupid little poopzombie.

Think about every other animal in existence. When calves and horses are born, they learn to walk the very first day. Some animals leave the nest at the very moment of birth, completely ready to face the world. But not human babies. They don’t leave the “screaming, flailing, and helpless” stage for years. (Some don’t until middle age, but that’s another story). Regardless of how desperately the parents try to convince themselves otherwise, there is absolutely nothing going on in a human baby’s brain other than “eat, scream, poop, scream, repeat.”

Interesting fact: a German Shepherd puppy has better problem solving abilities than a three year old human. Look it up if you don’t believe me.

Now think about “baby talk.” Adults constantly have to dumb down what they are trying to say just so children can understand them. Ironically, after progressing out of the baby talk stage ourselves and into intelligent company (other adults), most people end up falling back into the rut of brainless communication the moment they have kids.

By the time a child has reached the age where the parents no longer have to have their mental dimmer switches at the bottom, it’s too late. The parents are so used to pretending to be stupid that they have become stupid.

Imagine using nothing but baby talk for an entire day. Now multiply that by 2,190. You really think you can escape from that without having a few million brain cells commit suicide? You have just put yourself in the position of every parent up until a child reaches age six.

Can one really be themselves when they have to deny themselves the ability to think? I am proud to say I prefer the company of adults over children. I don’t ever want to have to censor my thoughts or dumb myself down just so a child can understand me.

By choosing to not reproduce, I am saving myself from spending years pretending I have a severe, permanent head injury.

Antonio Troy wants your mail. Even hate mail. thebabyhater@gmail.com.